Allan Avidano's Blog

Obama Reaches Out to Sharks

2009-06-06T12:41:00.007-04:00

Making good on a campaign promise to "extend a hand to the shark community" President Obama delivered a much anticipated speech on Sunday. Standing on a Long Island beach, chosen for its significance in the history of shark-human relations, Obama stated that it was time to "seek a new beginning".
"I stand here today, on a beach not unlike the fictional Amity Island from the Jaws films," said Mr. Obama to an ocean supposedly packed with sharks. "I stand here mindful of a past replete with misunderstandings but hopeful of a future where shark and human can create a new dialogue built on our commonalities."
Though critics of the speech pointed to the fact that Obama did not appear to have prepared a list of similarities which resulted in some stalling and awkwardness, supporters of the speech highlighted the sincerity and authenticity that came with the president’s speaking off the cuff. "Sharks like to bite and eat things... as do we humans... Uh... sharks like, you know... water, humans do too. You have, um, nurse sharks... we have nurse humans. Finally, sharks like to swim," here Mr. Obama paused and placed his hand on his heart in a sign of solidarity, "Humans like to swim... as long as we are not being eaten by sharks," he added and leaned forward, seemingly listening to the ocean for applause.

President Obama welcomes shark dignitary Larry to the Whitehouse (Above)

In the speech, which lasted 48 minutes, Obama cited Peter Benchley’s 1974 novel Jaws as an example of how "close minded" humans can "sow the seeds of hatred and misunderstanding". Mr. Obama went on to say that the movie adaptation and its subsequent sequels Jaws 2, Jaws 3-D, and Jaws the Revenge only added insult to injury. Mr. Obama stated that as a show of his firm commitment to a new beginning he had pressured Hollywood to abandon their fifth film in the franchise - Harold and Kumar Kill Jaws which was slated for release in 2011. Obama also reaffirmed his campaign promise to shut down the Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure’s Jaws Ride by 2012. The president did not mince words in stating that the U.S. government first needed to secure a friendly nation to agree to host the mechanical shark in a facility that would provide it with dignity.
President Obama admitted that sharks have not yet been well represented in the U.S. government, pointing to the fact that there have not been any members of congress or the senate who were sharks. Mr. Obama did state that "great strides" had been made in recent years with the election of his predecessor’s vice president Dick Cheney. It was even widely known that a shark was on the short list for nominee for the supreme court before the president decided on Judge Sonya Sotomayor. Many believe that Obama finally settled on Ms. Sotomayor who is of Puerto Rican background, as a savvy political move after a night of watching West Side Story.
The speech was delivered sooner than intended. Mr. Obama had originally planned on delivering the speech off the coast of Australia in a stretch of ocean known to be home to an array of sharks as a sign of good faith. However, after recovering the pieces of the third sound technician the speech was relocated for the beaches of Long Island.

Sound check for President Obama's originally intended location.

Government To Bail Out Sperm Banks

2008-10-25T13:07:00.027-04:00

After bailing out some of the largest banks in America such as Chase, Citigroup, and Bank of America, congress has approved a government bail out plan for several of the nation's largest sperm banks. "We understand that this is an often overlooked sector of the economy," said Iowa's Fred Hemshaw (R.), "And many Americans who did not see this crisis coming, may have not put away as much as they would have had they known. I believe it is the government's responsibility to soften the burden that underfunded sperm banks will have on America's right to the pursuit of happiness."
The proposition was initially controversial. Many house members believed that it was too much to ask of the American male population, especially after taking $750 billion of their hard earned tax dollars to allay the greed and excesses of Wall Street. However, after Oklahoma's congressman Les Farnsworth (R.) (pictured right) the proposer of the sperm bank bail out stipulated that the burden would fall directly on the government, particulary members of the house and specifically offering himself as a major contributor, the bill was approved by an 84% majority vote. "This is an issue that I think we can get both parties to reach around the aisle on," said Mr. Farnsworth, "There comes a time when the government needs to stop receiving from the American people and start giving back."
Both presidential candidates supported the passage of the bill. Upon hearing the proposal Senator McCain immediately offered to suspend his campaign for 10 minutes while Senator Obama nodded slowly and smiled broadly for several minutes.
The bail out is expected to help some of the larger national sperm banks including Wachundaweh, Tank of America, and Wa-Huuu...

A portion of the government bail out.

Charon To Raise Ferry Fee After Millennia; Public Furious

2007-08-28T16:10:00.000-04:00

Charon, shown here playing stick ball - his favorite pass time.

Charon, ferryman for Hades, has announced a major fare hike that will come into effect starting September 1, 2007. The mortal public has expressed outrage at this obolus increase, saying the fare has remained static for thousands of years and should remain that way for thousands more. "I don't think it's really fair that those of us alive now have to foot the bill," commented Dayton, Ohio mortal and most likely hellbound Ted Hull, "I mean, all those lucky people who died before the rate hike got to pay a reduced fare and then whamo - all of a sudden there's this huge increase? It just isn't right."

Residents of Hades, however, support the increase. "I don't see what the big deal is," says eternally damned Bill Ferguson, "The rate's never gone up, even with inflation and everything. I don't think they realize that we don't have unlimited funds down here. You think Charon likes his job? No, it's a job just like any job and he's busting his butt for peanuts... He even mentioned the possibility of getting us a foosball table if he has any extra money left over after getting a new boat and putting tiles in his bathroom. I'm all for the increase - it's about time."

Mortals however say the economic woes of the underworld are not their concern. Sandy Browne a mortal and mother of three from Inverness, Scotland had this to say, "I don't think it's the extra money that bothers me so much, it's that it has to be paid in coins. Who really keeps all those coins around? Hades really needs to update its system - get some transit cards or a token system... something. Death was once somber and serious - a time to get bloody wasted. Now its about looking under the pillow cushions or in your car seats for spare change."

The practice of placing obolus in the mouth ended when the Greek civilization declined to the point of being barely civilized, (as it remains today) but placing the fare amount on the eyes is a practice that has continued to the present day. Some mortals are lobbying for the right to carry the coins in pocket as open casket wakes are losing their solemness.

Newly dead Frank Crawford complies with rate increase but offers no comment on the change.

Charon was asked to comment on the controversy stirred up by his recent announcement, "Look, buddy, it's not my problem. If they don't want to pay they can just wander along the banks of the Acheron for hundreds of years. I got bills to pay... my daughter's most likely gonna need braces - you know Satan doesn't offer much in the ways of dental coverage. The boat's real old too and Cerberus just had a litter of puppies...can't let 'em starve you know."

Raul - One of Cerberus' litter.

EU to Italy: If You Want To Be Treated Like A Developed Nation, You Better Start Acting Like One

2007-08-28T10:54:00.000-04:00

Fabrizio Pulci and Alessandro Danni steal shots at EU summit.

Italy, a country internationally recognized for its rich artistic history and plucky 'Can't Do' attitude, received quite a shock yesterday as EU officials reprimanded the nation, telling Italy, "Shape up - you're an embarrassment to the Union!"

"C'mon man, ju can't yust rely on looking cool no more," said Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso, "There ees more to having a country than yust the fashion sense, the sleek cars, and the perpetually annoyed attitude."

In spite of the position Italy holds in the EU as fourth largest economy, the nation is saddled with a large area in its south that is the poorest region in the entire European Union. In addition, a bitter multi-party system prevents the nation from taking any major steps towards progress. As a result Italy and Italians stick to what they do best: nothing.

Though the EU has occasionally offered subtle suggestions to Italy regarding its lackadaisical ways, they have never released such a strict scolding as they did yesterday. EU member nations cited previous examples of Italy's apathy towards development and world politics which included revving the engine of a Ferrari 612 Scaglietti in the parking lot while debates over the Common Agricultural Policy were in session as well as Italy's insistence during a WTO convention that they "had done enough already" pointing at the Roman Empire and the Renaissance. The final straw may have been yesterday's EU summit with Russian President Putin to which Italy sent two fashion models in place of their own representatives.

When asked to explain his absence at the summit Representative Carlo Abruzzi (pictured below) had this to say, "Ey, ma che vuoi? Cuccalamanze."

An unprecedented emergency session has been called to convene tomorrow in Brussels where EU member nations will discuss what to do with Italy. "We must put some rules down on the table for Italy," said President Barroso, "Eet may seem a leetle seelly to the rest of the world but it weell help een the end." A few of the rules to be discussed will be whether girlfriends/mistresses will be allowed to enter during meetings, whether hand gestures constitute as responses, and whether taking the entire summer off to go to the beach is admissable under the EU constitution.

Mobsters Get Arrested in Verrazano Carpool Lane

2007-06-28T11:50:00.000-04:00

Verrazano Narrows Bridge

Tony Russo and Joey Caprianno were arrested yesterday while trying to cross through the carpool lane of the Verrazano Narrows Bridge toll booth. The Verrazano, America's longest suspension bridge which spans the narrows between Staten Island and Brooklyn is infamous for its high toll. Though no toll is collected to cross into Brooklyn a $9 charge awaits those returning to Staten Island. "We were coming back to Staten Island after whacking some guy in Sheepshead," commented Mr. Russo, "I usually ask the boss to send three of us to do the job so we can use the carpool ticket on the way back. But hey, you know, Louie's sick he tells me and so this is where we end up. Cuz of that [censored] Louie's friggin' cold I gotta do time."

Though the bridge's toll is high, Staten Island residents are eligible for savings including use of the EZ pass which reduces the toll as well as prepaid carpool tickets which make the crossing fare a reasonable $1.25 if three or more are riding in the vehicle.

Mr. Caprianno, Russo's partner, believes their arrest could have been easily avoided if Mr. Russo followed his advice, "I told him to stick him in the trunk... I mean, why take the chance, you know? But Tony's always gotta have his way."

The arrest of the two men came almost immediately after Wanda Jefferson noticed something unusual about the third passenger in the back seat. "My first clue was that he was wearing sun glasses at night but I guess that's besides the point... many people wear sun glasses at night. The second hint I got was that he had two holes in his head that had spilled an unhealthy amount of blood on his clothes. That and half his jaw was missing too." Noticing this, Mrs. Jefferson signaled for the nearby police while cleverly delaying the two men by asking them if they had seen the Yankee game that evening and if they knew any good pizzerias in Brooklyn. While Mr. Russo launched into a diatribe against the Red Sox, police officers blocked the passage of the '84 Reliant.

The two men were taken into custody and face charges of first degree murder and transportation fee fraud as Verrazano carpool rules specifically state that the three or more people in carriage must be alive. If convicted Mr. Russo and Mr. Caprianno could face up to 15 years in prison and may be forced to pay the $7.75 to make up the toll's difference.

Mr. Russo (left) and Mr. Caprianno.

Snoop Dogg Changes Name After Too Many Cases of Mistaken Identity

2007-06-13T11:07:00.000-04:00

Snoop Dogg relaxing at crib.

Rapper and actor Snoop Dogg has publicly confirmed rumours that he will officially change his name. The reason cited by his publicist Ole Serious Shakabam, is that the artist formerly known as Snoop Dogg was too fed up with cases of mistaken identity. "Don't even get all up in my face wit dat mic, cracka... Dem shorty's be runnin' all up on Dogg," said Mr. Shakabam, "It got to being like a [censored] can't not even leave his crib, you know what I'm saying?" "[Censored]" he added.

Fans who object to the change have pointed out that Snoop Dogg could have easily avoided children constantly flocking to him by slightly altering his behavior. "It wasn't just the name," said long time fan and corporate accountant Bill Whitmore, "I believe Snoop made some bad decisions over the course of his career, especially recently, that moved him even closer to the world of Charles Schulz which he so intensely wanted to disassociate himself from. I mean, what was he thinking with his last album?"

Although Snoop Dogg has maintained that his decision to change his name was the result of getting caught up in a series of bad coincidences, he acknowledges that with more foresight and research into the popular Peanuts comic strip and children's movies he could have avoided his dilemma.

Great Pumpkin (Released by Def Killaz Records)- Snoop Dogg's last album under the name.

"This [censored] ain't cool wif my style, you know what I'm saying?" commented the artist formerly known as Snoop Dogg, "I mean, I'm chillin', smokin' a fatty fo my shoot and all these lil whitebread shorties run up wif dey fine [censored] mothers wanting all to get up on my knees, hugging me and [censored]. I don't roll like dat, dog."

Snoop Dogg posing as the Red Baron for BET.

When asked about his Red Baron video he grew defensive. "Get out my face, wit dat [censored] man! I get some a' my [censored] to come on down here and slap da taste out yo mouth, [censored]. It wasn't about dat, man! Dat [censored] was just bad luck, [censored]. I thought the Red Baron was just a nasty ass ole German [censored]. That [censored] was da big boss. Howz I s'posed to know dat Snoopy did the same thing, [censored]?"

Perhaps the least fortunate within this series of events was Mr. Dogg's decision to vacation at Camp Snoopy. Management at the fun park reported that Snoop Dogg was inundated by children and parents. "At first I thought, 'No, that can't be Snoopy,'" said mother of two Becky Delft, "But my kids insisted - Snoopy, Snoopy, they called, while chasing after him. They know better than me though. I guess I never read deeply enough into Peanuts to get the whole marijuana thing." Publicist Ole Serious Shakabam called the whole day, "Ridekulis" and mentioned that the sooner Snoop Dogg chose a new name, the better. Some of the names that Mr. Dogg is reportedly considering are: Marm Duke, O.D., and Goo Fee.

Snoop Dogg grudgingly poses for photo at Camp Snoopy.

Peter Jackson's New Law Thriller Wows Critics

2007-05-31T22:49:00.000-04:00

Fisheater - the new film by Peter Jackson

Peter Jackson has done it again. Fisheater, a film based on an unpublished short story by John Grisham entitled Some Lawyer Guy Does Something, has been receiving rave reviews among critic circles worldwide. "My one and only regret regarding The Lord of the Rings," said director Peter Jackson, "aside from being wheeled to the Oscars in a dumpster and refused entry until I put on a shirt, was that the character of Gollum was not developed as much as he deserved. He needed more screen time, now he's got it."

Fisheater explores the years after Gollum came into possession of the ring and before he went underground to live amidst scum and darkness. "In many ways it is this period spent as a high powered attorney that prepares him for the role he will play in The Lord of the Rings saga," said Andy Serkis who returns to deliver a stunning performance as Gollum's voice.

Fisheater is the story of Gollum's descent through the halls of a Middle Earth law school and into the dark world of insurance company defense. Though a personal, stringy haired form of idealism and justice define Gollum's early career he soon succumbs to the greed and corruption of his chosen profession. There is one powerful scene in particular which highlights his transformation. While trying to pressure a young leukemia sufferer into admitting insurance fraud, Gollum realizes he has the losing argument. Subtly placing the ring on his finger in the middle of the trial which allows him to disappear, he pounces on the defendant and strangles her to death before a jury of gawking, open-mouthed dwarfs. Although the significance of the scene is arguably diminished by the dwarfs inexplicably hopping from the jury box brandishing axes and reducing the courtroom to splinters it still manages to evoke a great sense of awe and compassion for Gollum's troubling descent into lawyerhood.

The film however ends on a postive note by offering a sign of hope as Gollum makes an attempt towards redemption by quitting his profession and elevating himself to the position of crawling under the earth and living as a greedy, murderous freak.

ABBA Reinvigorated by New Frontman Zach De La Rocha

2007-05-23T12:45:00.000-04:00

ABBA with new frontman Zach De La Rocha perform Year of the Bang-a-Boomerang in Denver.

Swedish sensation ABBA has long been unheard from despite an enormous resurgence of interest in the band in recent years. All that has now changed. Abba has formally announced their return to the world of music with new lead singer Zach De La Rocha. "He does a bit more jumping and slamming into each other than we're known for," said band member Annifrid Lyngstad, "And I can't say I really understand why he sometimes shows his middle finger to people and objects but he certainly does get the audience going."

Mr. De La Rocha, former lead singer of Rage Against the Machine, left the band in 2000 after citing irreconcilable differences. The other band members of RATM teamed up with Soundgarden's former lead singer Chris Cornell to create Audioslave. In spite of a recent concert performed by all the original members of RATM Mr. De La Rocha has put to rest rumors of an official reunion. "He feels happy and hopeful with ABBA," said band member Bjorn Ulvaeus, "Although us four and him have had to make some major concessions I think having Zach aboard is going to work just fine."

Asked about what kind of changes the band members had to make Mr.Ulvaeus answered, "Well Zach has agreed to wear our trademark garb on occasion in exchange for tweaking the lyrics of some of our past hits such as Mamma Mia, which he changed to Mamma M.I.A. and Head Over Heels has become Bullet in Your Head Over Heals... Fernando he left alone for the most part - he said the lyrics are pretty good, but he did add an inordinate number of profanities. We've also allowed him to continue delivering political diatribes while on stage. We got into a little bit of hot water with the Swedish government when Zach called them fascist swine for not allowing Sweden's tax funded dental care to go beyond the age of twenty but we had a talk with him and he said he'd tone it down while in Sweden."

Though ABBA has said they will keep their original name in place of Mr. De La Rocha's suggestion, ABBAndon The Machine, Mr. De La Rocha will certainly make his presence felt. Sold out shows across the globe testify that ABBA's new formula may work after all.

ABBA performs Waterloo, Mother-F***ers in the Budokan, Tokyo.

Sudanese Refugees Pledge Aid to Combat American Obesity

2007-05-09T02:26:00.000-04:00

Waleed Khamis donates a day's wages to America's anti-obesity campaign.

The word of America's war on obesity has finally spread to North-east Africa where it has touched the hearts of the population, particularly in The Sudan. Upon seeing a recently aired documentary on American people's struggle with their expanding waste lines the refugee camps across North-east Africa were astir with concern. "Anything I can do to help," said Waleed Khamis, "I understand the exchange rates will convert my daily wages to less than an American penny but I would still like to contribute. If many Sudanese join their money together, we can make a difference."

The Bush administration has already pledged two billion dollars to help curb what has been termed a national epidemic. Recent studies show that more than one third of Americans are dangerously overweight or obese. This came as sobering news to the Sudanese population. "We have heard this may lead to other health problems and reduce the American life expectancy to the mid-seventies, which is the lowest among developed nations," commented Perif Sedeela while spoon feeding a U.N. provided powdered milk mixture to her newborn, "Americans deserve better than this, they deserve to live longer and healthier lives as they were born in or immigrated to America. We can not just sit idly by and allow this to continue."

Some critics are worried that the American way of life may be threatened by the new anti-obesity campaign as it promotes exercise and a healthy diet as alternatives to driving to places within easy walking distance, staying in air-conditioned rooms instead of going out - even when the temperature is close to 80 degrees fahrenheit, and eating fast-food or instant meals. With worldwide temperatures on the rise due to CO2 emissions the prospect of going outdoors rather than staying in air-conditioned vehicles or rooms is one of the most daunting aspects of the campaign. The Sudanese refugees (mostly from the Darfur region) have pledged to carpool and ride buses if they had either a car or a bus to do so with and have promised to halt any economic development in order to do their part in keeping down temperatures. "It's the least we can do," said Thomas Ngembe, "It would be wrong of us to try to build some sort of infrastructure now and add to the increasing temperatures while the Americans are trying to get reacquainted with physical movement."

Little Matthew Ugwembu joins symbolic display of waiting for a bus.

Until now the money donated by the Sudanese refugees has equalled nearly one and a half thousand dollars. President Bush expressed his thanks to the Sudanese people in a speech earlier this week, "Your contributions will help provide for the tape and push-pins needed to hang our anti-obesity posters in schools and offices," the president said, "It's good to know there are people out there who understand the dangers of obesity and support us in our struggle."

Chadian Refugee Camp Developer takes time from administering yellow fever medicine, dengue fever medicine, polio medicine, cholera medicine, sleeping sickness medicine, AIDs medicine, malaria medicine, hepatitis A, B, and C medicines, river blindness medicine, measles medicine, rotavirus medicine, schistosomiasis medicine, tuberculosis medicine, typhoid fever medicine, and malnutrion medicine to meet with these obese gentlemen.

Above images taken from: rottentomatoes.com, sonic.net, worldnews.about.com, news.sky.com, grecoreport.com

North Korean Board of Tourism Shifts Gears to Attract More Visitors

2007-05-02T01:35:00.000-04:00

One of North Korea's new tourist posters.

The DPRK has announced a new direction in their tourism advertising campaign. The reclusive Communist regime has recently decided that their former tourism focussed slogans such as, North Korea: Come and We Will Crush You and The Honorable and Just DPRK Will Bathe in the Blood of Your Children has attracted less foreign tourists than initially expected. "We believe a change in our tourism literature and posters may increase our numbers," said Mr. Chong-Sin Kim, Commissioner of North Korea's Board of Tourism, "In modeling our new campaign on foreign examples we have understood that less aggression, rather than more, could be a favorable direction." The experimental new slogans on websites and posters in foreign travel agencies reflect this change. Among the new slogans are: North Korea: Come and We Will Not Crush You, and The Honorable and Just DPRK Will Bathe Your Children, No Blood Will be Involved.

The images chosen for the posters have also gone through some modification to make North Korea seem more playful and friendly rather than displaying their formerly desired image of being tyrannical and homicidal. "Our studies have shown that tourists don't like the idea of being imprisoned and beaten ruthlessly," said Mr. Kim, not the same Mr. Kim mentioned above, another Mr. Kim who is Vice President of the DPRK's Ministry of Posters and Leaflets, "According to our surveys tourists prefer visiting museums and relaxing in cafes to impassioned skull-beatings. Our new posters display our willingness to refrain from such activities."

North Korean posters, before and after the change.

In keeping with this new direction, North Korea's Board of Tourism has also received permission to improve facilities and attractions at its tourist destinations. It's beaches have been swept of most landmines and cyanide is no longer a required ingredient at their frogurt stands. In addition, the DPRK's world famous military parades have softened their image by decreasing their number of ballistic missiles and replaced them with lovable children's characters in hopes of attracting families.

Bologna Rooftops

2007-04-29T03:54:00.000-04:00

This is yet another kiri-e that I hadn't yet posted. The explanation of how the art is accomplished is in the older posts (one of the first) if you missed it. In brief, it is a black piece of paper which has been cut out and placed on top of a white piece of paper - no ink, pencil, or paint is used. As one can assume, it is all connected. No black area can stand alone, surrounded by white otherwise it would just fall out. One common question I am asked is what do I do if I make a mistake. Well, I make about a hundred or more mistakes on each kiri-e but they're usually unnoticeable because there are other parts of the paper holding it in place. If I make two or three mistakes on the same piece it is gone if it is not that important (as can be noticed by looking closely on some of the roof tiles) or if it is an important area then with the help of a toothpick, tweezers, a tiny dab of glue, and an enormous amount of patience I fix it.

Antiques Roadshow Visit Ends in Unexpected Disappointment

2007-04-27T03:02:00.000-04:00

Mrs. Rodgers receives unexpected news at the Antiques Roadshow.

The popular PBS' series Antiques Roadshow doled out an unprecedented negative appraisal during its most recent stop in Boise, Idaho. Long time viewer Wilma Rodgers of Billings, Montana was the unfortunate recipient of the news. "I went there with high hopes," laughed Mrs. Rodgers embarrasedly, "The roadshow was the closest it's ever been to Billings but it was still quite a journey... especially by bus. I just wanted to see how much my Frank Stallone autograph was worth. I wouldn't think of selling it... I just wanted to put my curiosity to rest."

Matthew Mc'Donnell, the appraiser expressed sadness for being the bearer of the bad news. "After watching the show, people often come to these appraisals with big dreams. I hate to be the one to tell them that their item is not as valuable as they expected." Mr. Mc'Donnell estimated the value of the autographed and framed poster of Frank Stallone between $5.95 and $8.95. When asked about the rather large percentage gap in his estimation Mr. Mc'Donnell said that it depended on whether the frame was on sale at Walmart when Mrs. Rodgers bought it. "She didn't recall whether it was or not, so it makes it harder for me to give a more accurate estimate of the item."

This episode of Antiques Roadshow was aired last Sunday night bringing with it more disappointment to frequent viewer Frank Stallone. "Yo, I can't say I'm happy about it. I mean, there goes (yo) my retirement, you know," said Mr. Stallone owner of the world's largest collection of Frank Stallone autographs. "But hey, yo, I like to look on the bright side of things. It'll (yo) keep me busy, you know."

Frank Stallone poses for a photo in his home office.

Above photos taken from prariepublic.net, melodic.net, and more.

Chris Farley Finally Down to Ideal Weight

2007-04-25T00:37:00.000-04:00

Forensics experts have recently reported that actor and comedian Chris Farley has most likely reached his ideal weight. "We believe that given the average rate of decomposition for that area of the country, there is enough left of Mr. Farley to put him right around 160 pounds," said Dr. Max Gill, "Given his height, that should be smack in the middle of his target weight. He'd probably look and feel great if he wasn't dead."
Upon hearing this information Hollywood executives were all abuzz about the possible return of the funny man. "We already have a working script for Weekend at Bernie's 3, said a Columbia Pictures spokesman, "Farley was a major draw card at the box office and if he has lost as much weight as the docors say, well I think there is a way we can recreate some of that Farley revenue. His capacities would be limited at best but the name alone on a poster... man, the guy's an icon."

Passing of Yeltsin Poses Environmental Dilemma for Russia

2007-04-24T03:11:00.000-04:00

Yeltsin giving his State of the Nation address in 1997.

The recent death of Russia's former president Boris Yeltsin has raised great concerns for that nation's environmental policies. Russia, a nation known for creating a host of environmental disasters, from polluting the Aral Sea, to the Sverdlovsk anthrax leak, and most notably the 1986 Chernobyl disaster in the Ukraine has found itself facing some difficult questions as to what to do with the body of former president Yeltsin. "In spite of his severe health problems, comrade Yeltsin just kept on living," said Russia's Health Minister Gregori Ivanovich Plachenki, "Some joked that he was immortal - I almost wish he was because I can't imagine how we are going to dispose of his body."

For now a quarantine radius of 60 kilometers has been created around Yeltsin's home, the site of his passing to protect the Russian population from the probable severe liver damage of breathing in the fumes from his decomposing body.

At right: Yeltsin in 1931 (photo colorized)

"As I see it we have only three options," said Alexi Pyotrvich Garinsky, head of the Russian Environmental Protection Ministry, "Land burial, sea burial, or cremation. We have a team of scientists working on the possible outcomes of these three choices but I can't imagine anyone of them being the right choice. It's a given that we will do some damage somewhere."

The Russian Environmental Protection Ministry has projected the possible outcomes of either a land or sea burial (imagined scenario's pictured above). "Russia is a big country, that is certain," said Mr. Garinsky, "But comrade Yeltsin's a pretty big guy too. We would have to find an uninhabited stretch of land of vast proportions that is also not used for agricultural purposes. The toxicity of his liver alone would be far too big a shock for marine life... I think we have to rule out a burial at sea otherwise we might cripple a large portion of our fishing industry."

When asked about the prospect of cremation Mr. Garinsky just laughed and shook his head, "No, we can not do that either."

The Russian government has appealed to its space program to debate the possibility of jettisoning Yeltsin's body into space. Frank Trist, vice president of NASA has expressed concern over this possible Russian plan, "I just hope the Russians map out a detailed orbit because if he were to reenter the earth's atmosphere and burn up upon entry... well, there's no telling what kind of tomorrow we would face."

Horses

2007-04-22T01:33:00.000-04:00

Practice for the annual Confucius parade celebrating the birthday of the ancient philosopher, Qufu, China.
Horses. They were intrinsically linked with human history since as long as there has been civilization. Some may argue that one of the most important driving forces of civilization was the domestication of the horse. For centuries the horse was the oil that lubricated the machine of society. The horse meant fields were plowed faster and better - allowing the growth of towns and cities. The horse was transportation and as such, migration and communication. It was also the only animal who would fight and die alongside man in war (if we don't count the occasional dog). The horse allowed for the Mongolian empire, the largest land empire in history. The invention of the chariot, impossible without the horse to pull it, was one of the Roman empire's greatest advantages over it's conqured peoples. No Rome, possibly no Christ.

Police on horses at the Tower of David, Old City, Jerusalem.

The European conquest of the New World was in great part due to the horse which were not native to the Americas. These large beasts had a psychological effect that helped a small number of Spaniards conquer an enormous number of natives. In many ways, the history of the horse is the history of mankind. Friedrich Nietzsche, possibly the most influential philosopher for the twentieth century mind, finally went completely insane when he saw a man beating his horse to death on the streets of Turin. Ironically, the death of that horse, (late 19th century) coincided with the death of the horse as an intrinsic part of human history. So what does all that mean for us? I don't exactly know. There are few living in the modern world who can compare then and now. But the unimportance of the horse today means something profound has changed in the human experience. I wonder sometimes whether the complete mechanization of the world, from mass produced food, to pollution emitting industries, to modern transportation has reinvented humanity. Some may argue that the very nature of humanity has always been to advance and develop gradually but I believe there comes a tipping point when we are essentially different from what we once were and I think that

tipping point has come and gone.

To me and I'm sure to many others, a horse is nothing but an animal like a giraffe. That is to say, there is an enormous gulf between us. Whether this is for better or worse, I can't say but I think it's necessary to occasionally remind ourselves of that because when our day to day lives become completely divorced from the natural world then we become detached from the more pleasant aspects of life. Basically this is all just something to say to have an excuse to post a few pictures of horses from around the world.
"Samurai" in annual procession from Kasuga Taisha, Nara, Japan.

On a sidenote, when trying to choose a final quotation about horses to end this particular article I found it difficult to pick as there were so many great ones praising the horse - more interestingly they came from all corners of the globe and despite cultural differences agree that the horse is essential to true human existence - the fact that I can't relate to this worries me. I chose one which I thought best summed them up but if you want to know what I'm talking about, do a quick search for horse quotations.
Horses in St. Peter's Square, Vatican City.

"Men are better when riding, more just and more understanding, and more alert and more at ease, and more under-taking, and better knowing of all countries and passages; in short and long all good manners and customs cometh thereof, and the health of man and of his soul." - attributed to Edward Plantagenet.

College of Cardinals' Annual Leap Frog Competition Ends in Tragedy

2007-04-20T20:59:00.000-04:00

The ill-fated leap of Cardinal Fiorenzo.

Earlier today, St. Peter's Square, often a place for joyful celebration, prayer, and occasional backyard fun turned into a scene of tragedy when the Vatican's Annual Leap Frog Competition (officially termed Ranus Transilius Sollemnis) went terribly wrong when Cardinal Angelini Fiorenzo leapt too far over Pope Benedict XVI and took down a visiting nun who was posing for a photo. "I greatly regret this jump," said a bereft Cardinal Fiorenzo, "I even surprised myself with my hang time but I came down too hard on the nun. What a terrible tragedy indeed... wrong place, wrong time. I probably could have won too if this tragic, tragic thing hadn't happened," added Fiorenzo.

The competition, started in 1982 during the papacy of John Paul II, has been held on April 20th every year since. In recent years the competition has consistently ranked 4th in attracting visitors to the Vatican, surpassing Ash Wednesday in popularity but falling short of Palm Sunday which has held steady at 3rd place for centuries. Easter and Christmas vie yearly for position of top dog (Apex Canis) but are regarded as "untouchable" by other celebrations.

The popular leap frog competition was inducted into Catholic rite in 1982 when Cardinal Pedro Alvarez of Guadalajara, Mexico noticed Pope John Paul II stop and bow towards St. Peter's Church. The act in itself was not uncommon for Pontiffs but on this particular occasion Pope John Paul II remained inclined, hands folded and eyes closed for longer than usual allowing Cardinal Alvarez the opportunity to run towards the Holy Father and leap frog over his shoulders. After a moment of stunned silence the crowd of Cardinals and onlookers broke into uproarious laughter. "Johnny had to drop to one knee," recalled Cardinal Thomas O'Toole of Cork, Ireland referring to the Pope's reaction, "He was laughing so hard!"

However, at the succession of the Polish Pope Wojtyla by the more conservative German Cardinal John Ratzinger (Benedict XVI) in April of 2005 many of the less traditional Catholic celebrations came into question. "Our Holy Father immediately did away with Friday Night Twister (Venerdis Noctis Turbinis) which was okay I guess," said Cardinal Filippo Belario, "But I think a lot of the guys miss the bimonthly laser tag in the Vatican gardens. He (Ratzinger) let us keep Leap Frog and some of the other crowd-pleasers but I think this may be the last straw."

"Yah, ist nein good zis Frosch springen rite!" said Pope Benedict XVI when asked to comment on today's tragedy, "I varned zee Kardinals - 'Achtung! Achtung!' I zay oft zis verrukt Angelegenheit!! Now vee gotten der dead Nonne on der Hands!!"

"I think the good times are over," said Cardinal Philippe Mogumbo of the Ivory Coast, "I think it's back to the more conservative pre-John Paul days. After this, I don't even think Benedict will let us unroll the Slip N Slide this summer." The College of Cardinals will form a conclave later this month to decide the fate of the New Rites. All eyes will be set on the Vatican chimney which will announce the decision by either blowing black smoke in the case the Rites are eliminated or bubbles in the case that they remain.

The late, great Pope John Paul II enjoying the Lubricus Lapsus - one of the rites to be debated.

Above images composed of images taken from: news.bbc.co.uk, catholicpressphoto.com, airninja.com, berkelysquarejazz.com, garkaneenergy.com, abc.net.au

Latest Issue of National Geographic Stirs Up Controversy

2007-04-13T08:51:00.000-04:00

National Geographic's latest cover story, Baboon Erections! has recently found itself at the center of fierce controversy. The National Geographic Society prides itself on its long tradition of tackling tough issues and raising awareness of the nature, peoples, and cultures around the world. "Part of the reason why we have such a large readership is that we have never bowed down to the expected norm," said chief editor Peter Johnson, "We challenge people to think and act and I'll be damned if we're going to change that. I put great trust in our staff... in our writers and photographers and I wholeheartedly believe in this story."
The backlash from the cover story has come predominantly from states comprising America's Bible Belt. The most vocal participants in the debate have been educators who have complained specifically of the cover's graphic nature. "Usually we get some of the worser students drawing pictures of wee-wees and whats-its on them there magazine but this month them publishers done it for 'em," said Maybeth Wilcott of Garem Fuss Junior High School in central Mississippi, "I don't need this sort'em trash in this here education facility."

In response to the criticism, Willy Taggert the article's writer had this to say, "Until now, I don't believe there has ever been as comprehensive and thorough a study on the Hamadryas Baboon's erectile functions. I think it is due time that the world has a firmer grasp on the nature and sexual practices of this kind of baboon. In so doing we may even learn something about ourselves."

In addition to the handful of subscribers and schools that have decided to boycott National Geographic some countries with strict censorship policies such as Iran, Saudi Arabia, and North Korea have refused this month's shipment of the magazine. "Such a thing, so pink, is not good for us to see," said the DPRK's Culture and Education Minister Hwae Jon Kim, "The National Geographic Society must take better care to educate people about the world in a responsible manner."

In spite of the magazine's refusal to cut the story they have agreed to publish an alternate censored cover for their more sensitive buyers (pictured at right). "If this is the price of publishing a good, honest story about monkey wangs then so be it," said chief editor Mr. Johnson, "Here at the National Geographic Society we will stand by our convictions."

Nietzsche's Eden

2007-04-06T03:28:00.000-04:00

Me watching the sunrise over the Dead Sea from Masada (Photo taken by Ben Mati)

The face of eve grows darker as the fall
Draws near. Once brilliant summer radiance
Brought life to all, now fades beneath the pall
Arisen by the birth of sapience.
The fruit which ripened in such season’s clime
Was proffered not to tempt but satiate
That hunger for similitude sublime
Which ne’er would He allow emaciate.
Although first taste of sin had caused to cower
It proved our finest hour since, through sin
Man broke his chains and found his will to power
And finished that which God knew would begin.
But ask, who’d sow this seed replete with pride
Except a God who’s bent on suicide?

Mr. T Stock Rises Sharply as Latest Business Venture Takes Off

2007-04-06T00:22:00.000-04:00

Image taken from backwardglances.com
After the runaway success of Mr. T's The Original Mr. T in Your Pocket stock holders of The Mr. T Corporation expected their long stagnant shares to keep rising. However, following this initial surge, stock prices plummeted once again and plateaued barely over the pre-Mr.T in Your Pocket numbers. Part of this was due to Mr. T and his associates' poorly conceived ideas to a follow up to the Mr.T in Your Pocket fad including: Mr. T in Your Bed, Mr. T in Your Bathroom, and the cross-over business venture with Wyeth Consumer Healthcare that floundered in the face of what some have called 'harsh' F.D.A. regulations: The Mr. T in Your Preparation H.

Loyal stock holders have cause to rejoice once again however as Mr. T's most recent venture The Mr. T in Your Kitchen has been proving yet again that pity should be felt for the fools who think Mr. T is 'done'.

The unpopular Mr. T in Your Bathroom.

"The man knows how to cook a chowder," said Greg Leary, one of the first to try The Mr. T in Your Kitchen, "We lost a helluva lot of dishes, but you learn quickly enough not to ask for any salt or pepper. Anyway, it's a small price to pay to hear the words Shut up 'n' eat yo chowda sucka! while dining."
87 year old Grace Helmsley of Beverly Hills, one of the few who participated in the largely unsuccessful venture The Mr. T in Your Bed expressed great satisfaction with her use of The Mr. T in Your Kitchen, "All I can say is make sure you have him cook you a turkey and invite some dinner guests. After asking some inane questions which are sure to rile him up you won't know which turkey he's referring to anymore. Oh dear, it was a wonderful week indeed!"

For now, the only limitations that The Mr. T Corporation sees for the success of The Mr. T in Your Kitchen is its distribution beyond the Los Angeles area. "We can hit a lot of homes in and around L.A.," says Dwight Schultz, major share holder in The Mr. T Corporation, "But so far we've had to say no to requests on the east coast and abroad."

"I ain't getting on no plane," says Mr. T explaining the company's reluctance to expand, "I don't care about no profits fool, I said I ain't getting on no plane!"

Associates of The Mr.T Corporation believe that in time they will be able to allow interested consumers further afield to enjoy The Mr. T in Your Kitchen as well.

The highly successful Mr. T in Your Kitchen. (Image taken from movies.yahoo.com)

French Muslim School for the Color Blind Causes Diplomatic Crisis

2007-04-02T19:54:00.000-04:00

Image taken from oileurabia.blogspot.com
Students of Le Institut Musulmane Daltonien de Paris caused a diplomatic crisis yesterday when they unwittingly burned the Malian national flag. After lessons let out an unidentified student reported that he and his color blind Muslim brothers were riled up by a comment made by one of their teachers regarding France's artistic legacy. "Monsieur Poireien thinks France has such fine sense of color? He thinks that there are no French color blind? We will show him and the west that aside from us, Muslims can differentiate colors. They can differentiate colors all too well!"

Monsieur Poireien has issued a statement regarding his alleged comment. "I did not mean to cause any offense. I am well aware there are color blind people of French descent... my son is color blind," said Monsieur Poireien, "I merely stated that I saw an exhibit at the Musee d'Orsay over the weekend which I enjoyed. Perhaps it was tactless to mention the impressionists' wonderful sense of color but I was just trying to make conversation."

Regardless of Monsieur Poireien's intentions, his comments were enough to rekindle tensions between Muslim immigrants and their host nation. Upon leaving the school students looked in the surrounding quartier for a French flag to immolate in order to demonstrate their convictions. Unfortunately their eyes fell on a flag hanging outside a Malian restaurant. They tore it down and set it ablaze before anyone had a chance to point out their error. Mali, a country in northwest Africa is 90% Sunni Muslim. Malian President Toure expressed confusion at the images he saw on the news, "Mali is one of Africa's most socially and politically stable countries. I can not understand why French Muslims would do such a thing." Henri Guichotte, French ambassador to Mali, apologized for the rowdy students and assured President Toure that the French Muslim citizens had no intention of burning Mali's flag. The French government, in an attempt to prevent a similar mistake in the future has issued French flags to the Institut Musulmane Daltonien de Paris for students to grab on their way out if they should feel the need to repeat yesterday's demonstration.

New Curator at MOMA Regrets Choice for Inaugural Exhibit

2007-03-27T23:11:00.000-04:00

Van Moe

Brian Pastorini, the recently appointed curator at The MOMA in New York City, expressed displeasure with his first choice of exhibit at the museum Moe - An Introspection. "I have been taking a lot of flak for creating this show. I wish the art community and the public would accept my apologies," said Mr. Pastorini, "I am new here. I wasn't aware that it was an acronym. I thought, what better show to host at the MOMA than one featuring art concerning Moe." Moe - An Introspection which will run from March 22nd until June 12th is the largest collection ever assembled of art concerning Moe. Both Moe Szyslak and Moe Howard (of Stooges fame) are figured prominently in the exhibit though there are also some works featuring Kool Moe Dee and Moe Jaffe as well as Moes of little to no fame. "We have quite a variety of Moes on exhibit here," said Mr. Pastorini still trying to endorse a show that critics have called 'the art world's Hindenburg'.

Gallery security guards have complained of the rather rowdy visitors the show has been attracting. "I'm an old man," said Philip Welfirt - gallery security guard at the MOMA for over 30 years, "I've already learned enough in my life that I don't need to hear young folk in baggy pants singing me the lyrics of Funke Wisdom." said Mr. Welfirt referring to a Kool Moe Dee song from the 1980's.

"There's only so many times one can be called Knucklehead and get bopped on the head before they lose their patience... I'm just trying to hand them their change," said Rosey Welsh, gift shop cashier, "These days, I shudder every time I hear people approach saying Woop, Woop, Woop!"

By far the most visitors attracted by the exhibit are fans of Moe Szyslak. "Of our recent guests these are the best behaved," said security guard Robert Charles, "They're mostly in their late twenties and early thirties and they like trying to do impressions of Simpsons characters while wandering through the galleries. For the most part they're harmless and our XXL t-shirt sales are up but it does make me wonder at the future of our country when I see thirty year old men laughing at what they're laughing at."

For the moment, Moe - An Introspection has not caused the MOMA to suffer financially but its poor reviews in the art world have convinced Mr. Pastorini to cancel his follow-up show devoted to his mother. "I understand now that it's an acronym... it was an honest mistake. But I don't see any point in putting on the show for ma anymore. I'm sure she'll be disappointed but hey, art is a fierce business."

Picassmoe

4th Season of Lost Promises Even More New Characters, Developments

2007-03-21T23:12:00.000-04:00

From left to right: Billy Plato (Frank Mason), Leroy Friedrich Nietzsche (Raj Mandali), and Dirk Soren Kierkegaard (Gus Thorgen) are among the new characters on Lost.
ABC's hit drama Lost will be starting its fourth season this Fall and promises viewers even more new characters, plot twists, and supernatural abilities that will make for a couple of interesting episodes but then go nowhere. "We are planning some incredible surprises for our fourth season," said creator J.J. Abrams, "including the appearance of a third group of islanders - The Natives who are an enormous tribe of inbred savages that were on the island all along but failed to get noticed by either the Others or the plane wreck survivors and who speak English - thanks to the fact that a cargo-liner shipping books sunk and washed many English books ashore a hundred years before. I might also mention that the cargo-liner's captain was Hurley's great grandfather." Producers of the show believe that its popularity is due to its ability to stay fresh and continually suprise its viewers. This formula has kept viewers coming back for more week after week. "You never know who we're going to kill off next or why there's a colony of albino giraffes. We like to keep our fans guessing," said producer Sarah Caplan.

Among the new characters will be three stow-aways on the fated Oceanic Flight 815 who were hiding in the checked-in luggage compartment and who fell onto a soft patch of grass as the plane split in half before the crash. All three characters will have something of an unusual past especially Danish character Dirk Soren Kierkegaard (played by Icelandic actor Gus Thorgen) who will be able to read minds for a few episodes and who was involved in a failed assassination attempt on Slobodan Milosevic. Writers have also hinted at the possibility of finding an array of more abandoned vehicles including a Nascar which was at one point driven by Jack Shepherd's father, a helicopter containing a photo album belonging to James 'Sawyer' Ford, and a duck shaped paddle boat from John Locke's childhood memories of a trip to Disneyland. Fans can also look forward to a whole lot more secret tunnels, hatches within already found hatches, and another video tape with a strange Asian man explaining stuff.

Buber - one of the albino giraffes to make his debut in the 4th season of Lost (Image taken from sfondideldesktop.com)

Jamiroquai Hospitalized for Overheated Brain

2007-03-16T09:00:00.000-04:00

Jay Kay, lead singer of the band Jamiroquai, (though popularly called Jamiroquai himself) was hospitalized on Friday evening for overheating of the brain. Doctors in London's St. Bartholomew's Hospital believe that Jay Kay's overheated brain was most likely the result of his iconic choice of extremely large headwear. "I noticed that something didn't look all too right, ay?" said bandmate Matt Johnson, "He was up there on them stage slurring them words and I thought, 'Ay, something doesn't look all too right.'" This is not the first hospitalization that Jay Kay's bold headwear has caused him. In April of 2005, Jay Kay had trouble lifting his head off a couch he was resting on. The fire department had to be called to hoist him up. He was then immediately rushed to the hospital for neck injuries. Jay Kay has also suffered a number of falls - down stairs and off stages due to his top-heaviness. "He's like a dancing lolli-pop up there," said former member Gavin Dodds, "It's only a matter of time before he topples over." Doctors are hopeful however that most of his brain's functioning will return. "He's responding well to blinking lights and claps wildly when we offer him jello... we expect to have him up miming and dancing within the week."

Mickey and Minnie Mouse Divorce

2007-03-16T01:38:00.000-04:00

Mickey and Minnie Mouse during happier times.
One of the longest running and most well known show biz marriages ended in divorce on Thursday. Mickey and Minnie Mouse of Disney fame were married in 1955 after a very long and well documented courtship. The former Mrs. Mouse, Ms. Minnie Cohen, initiated the divorce proceedings when, as she described, "Things got too far out of control. At first, I thought his nibbling on my ear was cute but then he just kept going. There's only so much cosmetic surgery can do... eventually people will know you're ear has been eaten off." Mr. Mouse's lawyer has stated that there is no specific clause against cannibalization of the self, spouse, or children in the marital vows and thusly his client who did not want the divorce is the injured party.
Both Mr. Mouse and Ms. Cohen are seeking custody of the children. "I have always been a loving and caring mother - at most I ate two of our children. Mickey devoured about 10 or more and copulated with many of the others. I think this proves he doesn't have what it takes to be their caretaker."
Mr. Mouse has issued a statement on the alleged cannibalization, "I don't recall eating that many - no more than her at least, ha ha. The cannibalization was primarily on myself - it's my tail, I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to eat it if I want to, ha ha."
In addition to the divorce, the judge has issued a restraining order on Mr. Mouse after the small brown pellets that were found in Miss Cohen's apartment proved to be his droppings. "It was fine when we were still married to constantly be cleaning up after him," said Minnie, "but for him to come into my home and leave his droppings on my pillow and in my pantry... it's time to say 'no more'."

Estonian Version of Power Rangers Not Doing as Well as First Predicted

2007-03-13T07:15:00.000-04:00

Georg Klepef plays Sborgishdunf in Estonian Power Rangers adaptation

The National Estonian Telecommunications Network (NETN) was disappointed to announce a financial loss in their last programming season. "People are watching less tv these days," said Heino Kalevi president of NETN, "Our radio ratings are down too. People just don't seem interested in listening to the sound of cows pasturing anymore. Even our most listened to channel - Orthodox Church Bell Ringing has been suffering." Mr. Kalevi and Estonia's version of the Nielsen Ratings - Taevalaotus Hindamine believe that they may be losing their largest viewer and listener demographic of mostly invalid senior citizens to death. "We have tried to respond to the tastes of a younger Estonia," said Mr. Kalevi, "We put much hope in our new children's programming including Estonian adaptations of popular foreign shows." Some of the shows that have been adapted include Estonian versions of Sesame Street and Power Rangers. After an initial surge, (due to a pre-advertising campaign) ratings quickly plummeted in spite of NETN's attempt at copying not only the style of foreign television, but the content as well. Tanava Seesam (Estonia's Sesame Street) in keeping true to its inspiration, even confronted racial issues - an unprecedented event in Estonia's television history.

"I really put a lot of faith in !Energiaga Varustana Metsnik! (Estonia's Power Rangers) I thought it would save us. We spent well over $650 for the production of the first twelve episodes. We even payed the extra money to get Georg Klepef on board. But I think it's clear now that we will suffer a major loss this year." For the time being at least, it seems Estonians will not accept the bold changes NETN is trying to make. "It will take a lot to oust Estonia's favorite pass times of street brawling and vodka fueled lamp post watching."

Scene from Tanava Seesam

Terrorist Delays Attack on Plane to Finish Watching Movie

2007-03-09T07:58:00.000-05:00

Image taken from iraqthemodel.blogspot.com

Yesterday's Oceanic Airlines Flight 814 nonstop London to Rabat was spared a potentially devastating suicide attack. Ahmed Mussef Al-Jafirahawiwi and his accomplices were taken into custody upon arriving in Rabat, Morocco at 8:35pm yesterday evening. "I was unaware they would be showing The Holiday. Even the all knowing wisdom of Allah can not predict the inflight movie schedule of any given airline."

Al-Jafirahwiwi boarded the plane with two accomplices, each of the three members were carrying bomb-making materials. The plan, which had proved unsuccessful, had been to build a bomb from various liquid materials which had gone undetected during the security screening process. Accomplices, Yussef Mushah and Ibrahim Hamimi had completed their portion of constructing the primary sections of the bomb, placing it in the disposal unit of the lavatory. Mr. Hamimi confessed that he had given Al-Jafirahawiwi the agreed signal of winking twice and touching two fingers to his crotch to communicate that he had completed his portion of the bomb. "He (Al-Jafirahawiwi) seemed distracted," said Mr. Hamimi, "He lifted his finger and pointed to his personal screening unit, implying that I should shush. He then tapped his watch and waved me away."

The flight from London to Morocco is only 3 hours and the new personal entertainment system of Oceanic Airlines allows passengers to choose from a variety of films, television, music, and video games. Mr. Mushah himself admitted to "starting the bomb too late" as he was preoccupied by a high scoring game of Tetris. "By the time the movie had ended," reports Al-Jafirahawiwi, "the captain had already turned on the fasten seatbelts sign." The film industry was asked to comment but Jude Law was unavailable. Jack Black expressed his appreciation for the power of the moving picture, "If movies can't save the world, I don't know what will."

Image taken from The Holiday

Japanese Toilet Cleaner Found To Be Toxic If Injested

2007-03-08T05:46:00.000-05:00

The death toll in Japan rose for the fourth straight day in a row bringing the total to 72. All across Japan people of all ages have been getting poisoned by a toilet cleaner only recently released on the market. "There was no labeling on the bottle that said not to drink it... at least not on the front" said Nobuo Takahashi, a middle-aged salary man, from his recovery bed. Mr. Takahashi who was found on the toilet room floor holding the bottle of toilet cleaner tightly in his hands, blue mountain fresh scented syrup trickling from the corner of his mouth, was rushed to the hospital by his mother in time to get his stomach pumped.

Japan's Ministry of Consumer Plastificates and Super Number One Safety Labeling Commission believes that the danger may have arisen from the boldness of the letters and color scheme. "This is impudent for toilet cleaner," responded Mr. Hideyo Kanagawa, chairman of the ministry "The words say Toilet Look! but the rest of the bottle gives a powerful tasty impression - I am toilet cleaner, yes, but I am also delicious and sweety! This is incorrect method of selling to product."
Perhaps the most tragic result of this affair has been the death of nearly two dozen infants who were fed the toilet cleaner by unwitting mothers. "This is a hazardous by the beautiful toilet association," said Yoshiko Shitagawa who fed her newborn the toilet cleaner, "I am dishonored feeling." The toilet cleaner has been recalled until it is either deemed safe to drink or a proper labeling suggesting its toxicity is put in clear view of consumers.

A Bad Day

2007-03-07T22:01:00.000-05:00

Today was not a good day for me. While getting out of bed this morning I stepped on a tack. It broke the skin. In the shower I saw a silverfish slip into the drain before I had a chance to kill him or her. Breakfast wasn't too enjoyable either. I found a hair in my bowl of Coco Puffs - the curly kind. Standing on the platform waiting for the train a heavyset boy, about the age of 12 looked at me with a weird smile, showing all his teeth and the gums around them... almost as if he was silently growling at me. This wasn't too bad and I tried to smile back but then he just blew up... literally popped like a grape squeezed between the fingers. I've read about spontaneous combustion but I never actually believed it could happen until kablamo! I was wearing new shoes too.

Working at the office wasn't much better. My co-workers sometimes play pranks on each other and shoot candid photos. It required a few stitches but at least I got to leave work early. On the train ride home, I had the misfortune of stepping on the car in which the visiting Pakistani soccer team was riding. They had just played a game - the weather was unseasonably warm today. To relax after such a day I thought I'd take a walk in the park. Not a good idea.

Neptune

2007-03-07T02:43:00.000-05:00

"Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made for man - who has no gills." - Ambrose Bierce.

I'd like to say more about the ocean, you know, something about how it's big and wet... but more poetic in style. But I don't have the energy to think of anything right now so I thought I'd just throw up some more of my art. This here is the statue of Neptune in the center of Bologna, sculpted by the artist Giambologna - that's like being from New York and being called Jimmy Newyork. Pretty cool. He was Flemish though, born Jean Boulogne. Now this is the the confusing part, was he just born with a name strangely similar to the city he would one day inhabit or was it something else? I think it's the former... like our friend Jimmy Newyork being born Jame Nuevoyork in Mexico. Anyway, this is another kiri-e (for those of you who missed it the definition of the art is in the older posts - briefly, it's cut paper, that's it.) This one took me quit a long time and is full of shading. Each one of those little white holes takes about a minute or two to carve out. I also worked with straight line shading which is much less time consuming but achieves a different effect as seen in the background. Any questions? Ask away.

Hitler's Dog's Skull's Finding Supports Sleeweel Claim

2007-03-04T00:23:00.000-05:00

Dr. Sleeweel and his team felt vindicated this weekend as they found the remains of what they are certain was once Hitler's dog Snuggles der Hund. "You know, a lot of people out there called us fools... we just hope that this find will be enough to convince even the most hardened skeptics that Adolf Hitler did in fact come to Peru with his dog at the end of World War II," said Sleeweel. "We are expecting to find more evidence in about a week to ten days - things like Nazi soldier medals, some Third Reich stamps with Hitler's picture on them, and even a cool looking gas mask... the 1938 model."
In spite of these findings, scholars continue to question Dr. Sleeweel and his team, pointing to the fact that Snuggles der Hund's moustache is held in place by a piece of scotch tape and that lab tests on the hair have revealed strong traces of Elmer's glue.
Dr. Sleeweel, however, is undeterred, "It doesn't bother me. You know, a lot of great archaeological finds have faced this kind of scrutiny... nobody even knows what ended up happening to the Ark of the Covenant. It just wound up getting stuck in some warehouse. I assure you that will not happen to me. I will not be bullied into giving up."

Adolf Hitler's Skull Found

2007-03-02T02:10:00.000-05:00

History's Bad Boy Adolf Hitler has recently found his way back into the limelight. Archaeologists working in the Andes believe they have made the 21st century's greatest archaeological discovery. "And the century just began like what... it feels like yesterday," commented Dr. Steven Sleeweel. While studying the remains of what is believed to have been a prehistoric village, high in the Andes mountains, Dr. Sleeweel's team came upon the skull pictured at right. "We think the moustache is a dead give away," said Dr. Sleeweel, "A moustache like that, that's not usually found on the skulls I've been digging up." Until this discovery, it was generally held by the scholastic community that Adolf Hitler committed suicide in Berlin with his wife and dog, Eva Braun on April 30th, 1945 at the end of the second world war. These recent findings, however, have thrown that theory into question. "We might have to rewrite the history books," joked Sleeweel. Dr. Sleeweel and his team have been formulating a theory regarding Hitler's secret departure from Germany and arrival in Peru. "We're looking for further evidence to support our claims but basically it goes a little something like this: Hitler secretly left Germany at the end of World War II and ended up in Peru."
Skeptics have pointed to radiocarbon dating evidence to discount the claim. Radiocarbon dating has placed the skull somewhere in the time period of 10,000 BCE - right around the same time of the prehistoric village in question. Doubters also point to the fact that the skeleton belonging to the skull was clearly a woman's and was found cradling the remains of a small infant.
Dr. Sleeweel has defended his claim saying that none of this information is in contrast to his theory. "We believe that Hitler, most likely regretting his ways and looking for a fresh start and some fresh mountain air arrived in Peru and made his way up the mountain range. Radiocarbon dating is tricky at best, there have been mistakes before - many made by me and my team" explained Sleeweel. "Somewhere along the way Hitler may have befriended or adopted a young child to fulfill his newfound wishes of being a good parent. As for the woman's bones thing... that's a bit harder to figure out, but, you know, maybe with the different diet and the altitude or maybe the necessity to breast feed the child increased his estrogen levels. You never know. Strange things happen. In Jurassic Park they said that frogs can sometimes change sex if necessary - why not humans?"

To support his belief regarding his find Dr. Sleeweel has tried to drum up public support. He has sent his original photograph of the skull to a photolab where a team of artists working with forensics specialists have doctored it to highlight Adolf Hitler's physical characteristics (pictured here). Dr. Sleeweel and his team will continue working on the site and will report their findings as they are unearthed. In an unrelated story, Dr. Sleeweel has begun looking on Ebay for Nazi memorabilia particularly items that may have been associated with the German dictator and leader of the Nazi party.

Prayer

2007-02-26T19:58:00.000-05:00

"Prayer is the refuge of the powerless." - Dr. Albert Pelear, Omega
South Korea - Exact Location TBD

Prayer

On thirsted, brittle plains I danced for rain,
Though not a drop would deign to wet my head.
The hajj, on bloodied knees I made in vain,
For home I found my son already dead.
I’d lived and taught Talmudic law for years
Before my students died at Sobibor.
I fed the Ganges torrents with my tears
But misery still battered down my door.
The mountains were still echoing my chant
When shots were fired from Red Army guns.
My rosary, well-worn with use won’t grant
The smallest crumb to unknown starving ones.
Yet born as pawns to your indifferent playing
What choice have we but to continue praying?

Kairouan, Tunisia - 4th holiest city in Islam. The Epicurean Paradox, though quite ancient is as good an argument as any against a significant, protector God. It goes a little something like this: The following two questions are asked a person - Do you believe in God? Most in the world (including myself on most days) would reply Yes. Second, do you believe there is evil in the world? Again, despite various philosophies on what evil is exactly, if understood generally, most would be forced to say Yes again. Accepting these two affirmative answers, according to Epicurus, leaves only 3 possibilities: 1. God (the gods) wants to do something about the evil in the world but can't - this makes God insignificant. 2. God can do something about evil but doesn't want to - this makes God malignant. 3. God neither can nor wants to do anything about the evil in the world - this again makes God insignificant. I am not writing this because I necessarily agree with it but because it is an interesting point and despite what some people argue, it is not simplistic. Epicurus is not attempting to disprove God's or the gods' existence - he knows well enough that such a thing can not really be proven. On the contrary he said following religious traditions leads to a happy existence, but he did not understand how God could intercede in human affairs.

I am and have been on the fence regarding religion in recent years. I love the world's religions though after living and traveling so much I find it impossible to say that any religion is the "right" one or to find any reason to allign myself with any. When I am immersed in a certain culture I find a particular interest in learning about the accompanying religious tradition. This is certainly a larger discussion and not one I wish to get in right now. I'd rather stick to prayer. I am in the awkward position now, after years of experiences that have led me to believe that answered or unanswered prayers are merely favorable or unfavorable coincidences respectively while still admiring and envying those who are able to hold onto faith in the modern world, with all its scientific explanation and pointless horrors. This awkward position makes me both shun prayer as worthless and regard other people who do the same as missing something essential to the human experience. Until I grow wiser or less so I'm stuck in this limbo.

Caudai temple, Vietnam

"I cannot conceive of a personal God who would directly influence the actions of individuals, or would directly sit in judgement on creatures of his own creation... My religiosity consists in a humble admiration of the infinitely superior spirit that reveals itself in the little that we, with our weak and transitory understanding, can comprehend of reality. Morality is of the highest importance -- but for us, not for God." - Albert Einstein

Scientists Find Incredible Similarity in Lincoln's and Kennedy's Brains

2007-02-24T06:43:00.000-05:00

A team of scientists and doctors studying the brains of former presidents Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy have reported finding a stunning similarity. "What we believe we have found are the pineal glands," reports Dr. Skippy Wright. 17th century philosopher Rene Decartes once speculated that the pineal gland was the location of essentially what is the human soul - the place where all thoughts are formed. This theory has long since been debunked but that doesn't seem to concern this group of enthusiastic neurologists. In their studies of these two great presidents' brains these doctors believe that they have stumbled upon this elusive gland in spite of finding them in very different locations within the brain tissue. "The composition of these samples are unlike anything I've ever seen in my career," says Dr. Stanley "The Manly" Westcott, "They are extremely dense, rock-hard, and of a metallic quality. I believe that we can point to this peculiarity as the source of these great leaders' thoughts concerning life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." Studies are expected to continue to better establish these recent findings and to finally put to rest the widely held belief that President Lincoln's body was composed of a gelatinous substance which would harden or soften depending on the climate.

The Cut-throat world of modeling

2007-02-23T00:47:00.000-05:00

Don't have dreams, boys and girls because they are bound to be dashed. I once had a dream, a dream that I poured all my life's passions and desires into but last week at a runway model trial for Gilbert Kavinthy in New York that dream disappeared. We are raised in a world where beauty is the greatest measure of one's worth. It's a world where we, the beautiful people, are something more valuable than the common rot. Until last week I was a part of this world. I lived and breathed style - I gorged myself on the latest fashions and regurgitated them at the end of the season. All of it - all the preparation: the perpetual scrunching of buttocks, the pre-dawn tweezing of the middle section of my eyebrows, the continuous changing of the wads of cotton in my armpits, the hourly pursing of lips in the mirror with bodily twirl - it all meant nothing. Am I bitter? Yes. Yes I am. Because when you practice the right walk, how to hold your head up, all those things for years, waiting for the right moment and then when your opportunity comes you nail them - I mean you really nail them and Gilbert Kavinthy himself tells you you were great but it's just not enough. It's not enough because you're missing that certain je ne sais quoi that puts you over the top - makes you a part of that world that we all so desperately want to be a part of. What's next for me, you ask? It's going to take me some time to get over this rejection but once I do I plan to pursue the only other thing that I believe will give my life some meaning: hostage negotiator for the FBI.

The Kappa

2007-02-22T01:53:00.000-05:00

Antique painting of a kappa.

"Successfully pulling your innards out through your anus for years - trust Kappa." If this creature of Japanese folklore ever gave up its mischievous nature and bought into Japan's economic success story, established itself as a business-man or perhaps as a banker, its tagline would sound something like that. I have always been very interested in all countries' folklore and mythologies - certainly because they are interesting in and of themselves but moreso because they are the groundwork for the beginnings of religion. And as we all know (whether we are followers of any particular religion or not) religion is the main pillar of cultures and therefore of our history and politics. To shun it as foolishness - to refrain from making the attempt to understand it, is to not understand the human experience. But I digress, back to the anal discomfort causing kappa. The late great Joseph Campbell was of the Jungian school of thought in that he believed our myths and legends were spawned from the universal peculiarities of the human psyche. If such is the case, I'm reluctant to imagine what odd, frightening wet place inside us inspired the birth of the kappa?

In short, the kappa is a small creature (about the size of a monkey) with frog, turtle, duck, and simian characteristics. They are believed to engage in both fairly innocent pranks and horrendous crimes such as rape and killings. As mentioned above they also have the rather unpleasant peculiarity of killing children or the occasional adult by ripping their innards out through the anus. Of course like anything Japanese the kappa has been cutsified to the point where none of these attributed traits can be recognized.Or maybe you can still recognize them in this picture - I don't know. Image taken from www.office-ao.jp

The kappa is somewhat known these days in the western world as Japan has become hip. At the very least it is the best known character in Japanese folklore, (if we exclude Mister Mister) but I suppose that doesn't mean all that much. Still the kappa's influence in pop-culture as an inspiration for other characters where it is not immediately recognizable has had further trans-cultural reach than the kappa in its true form. Perhaps the most widely known example of this is the freaky little chick from possibly the scariest horror movie ever made - The Ring, which was a remake of a Japanese film. The kappa was the inspiration for this demonic creature that crawls its way out of a well and commits more unpleasantries on the television watching population. Image from the movie The Ringu

Anyway, should you find yourself in the very unlikely situation of ever confronting one of these little fellas there are a couple of things that are useful to know. One, like most embittered, small statured folk they really enjoy eating cucumbers, so it may come in handy to carry one around in your pocket or purse at all times. You may be thinking, "What kind of explanation could I give if anyone asked me why I have a cucumber in my pocket?" I'd say, just tell the truth. People will understand. Second, the source of their strength comes from the water that sits in the concavity on the top of their heads. In spite of their unfortunate tendency to violently kill people, they are very polite and follow most Japanese norms. As such if you bow to them, they will certainly follow suit thusly spilling the water out of their heads. Apparently the strength derived from the water in their heads does not include much intelligence otherwise they would probably learn to stop bowing and start curtsying, so they could follow it up with a nice yank on a spleen through the sphincter rather than running back to the river from which they came.

Given my interest in this particular folkloric figure and my desire to attempt a complex and detailed hanga (ink wood block print) I carved the one you see above.

Solitude

2007-02-19T01:58:00.000-05:00

"The sorrowful spirit finds relaxation in solitude. It abhors people, as a wounded deer deserts the herd and lives in a cave until it is healed or dead." - Kahil Gibran

Chott el Jerid, Tunisia - salt lake that is dry much of the year

Certainly all but the most happy/delusional can find truth in this quotation at some of the inevitable miserable moments of our lives. I am not one to dwell on melancholy - well, that's not true... that's pretty much all I do, but I try to steer clear of it in my writing as I believe that brooding through one's pages makes for either adolescent style, angst-ridden crap or the type of writing police officers find in the apartment of some guy who just seemed so quiet. And yet, with that said we cannot escape the fact that we are at one and the same time both social and solitary creatures. No great novels were written in company, no great love was made alone. Solitude can be either the greatest boon or bane to one's existence depending on how one's life has equipped him or her to process it.

Man sitting alone at Angkor Wat temple complex in Cambodia

Twins or triplets (or the occasional quadruplet or quintuplet) are at the serious disadvantage of beginning life in the company of others. They are not given the opportunity to ponder such things as the in utero community ponders such as the nature of existence, exactly - what is the soul, or where the hell am I and what's with these plug things up my nose? For as much as we respect and praise the benefits of our social lives we do not have enough time in our post-natal lives to discover the benefits of solitude. Too often solitude is equated with loneliness and avoided at all costs. Or if alone, the time is filled with television, music, or something of the sort, which is also fine, but it does not allow us that time needed to just think. Voltaire said something of this... I paraphrase: All of the world's problems stem from the majority of mankind's inability to just sit in a comfortable room and think.

Sadly, the praise of solitude has almost exclusively fallen into the realm of artists and scholars where the common man does not often tread. And though the practice of religion (the soul's playground) has become a social event the birth of religion remains a solitary affair that few now bother to concern themselves with, leaving the modern soul mired in the fog of antiquity.

"I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude. We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers." - Henry David Thoreau

Writing

2007-02-16T00:02:00.000-05:00

"A writer is a person for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." - Thomas Mann

Bedouin guide writing Arabic calligraphy with a fistful of sand. The sand of the Sahara is so fine that it takes on distinct shapes such as letters if sifted through a thin opening - in this case a clenched fist.

Writers Block

I feel some Frost collecting on my soul
Though words that strain to bud remain my own.
I pray fantastic travels Swiftly roll
Across the seas of page that I have thrown
All o’er my floor in moments of frustration
At this, my endless mental constipation.
Perhaps, my authorship of myopia
May suffer - surely it is smitten, for
The prose that governs my dystopia
Is hardly clever, Orwell written lore.
My world of words is merely half creation
Where diction’s dull and form’s a fragmentation.
But how to be Thoreau when I acclaim
The virtues with which nature is replete?
For all my thoughts which feel walled in proclaim
A fraction of that beauty so complete.
Yet, though I labor on with trepidation
Still I know not where to seek my inspiration,
For it’s trying to read Joyce and be glad -
Such exultation pains the pride of men
Whose own work is reduced to that of lad.
I’d rather Rushdie’s words from point of pen
Than to maintain my pace which nears stagnation.
At very least, to write in imitation,
To be an Eco sounding over earth
Would give my muted thoughts a voice. Alas,
I fear, one will never find a Wordsworth
Among my poems - in silence thus they’ll pass
Into obscurity, for there’s the destination
Of writers with this most severe of limitations

An elderly man uses a sponge tipped pointer filled with water to write poetry on the pavement of a park in Beijing. As the water dries the poetry fades away.

Sumo... in all its fleshy wonder

2006-12-28T11:31:00.000-05:00

Surely all have at least a passing knowledge of sumo but only few are aware of the history of why two fat men in diapers slap, push, and throw each other around. As the story goes, two fat men were sitting around in their diapers arguing over whether Jefferson Starship had lost something "magical" in the change over from their Jefferson Airplane days. Seeing a truce nowhere in sight the two men began throwing salt at each other (the only thing available on the table) while attempting to administer wedgies to the other. From this was born the ancient Japanese sport of sumo. For more information on sumo or if you happen to be one of those "sticklers" for facts you can visit http:en//wikipedia.org/wiki/sumo

I went to my first and only live sumo tournament almost 5 years ago in Osaka. It's pretty much exactly as you'd expect it to be except with your ticket price you get a really outstanding multicourse meal (that you eat out of a layered plastic box) and a couple of beers.

One of the more interesting aspects of the sumo competition is that it is much more international than I had assumed. I thought sumo, as a Japanese sport would have only Japanese contenders. Though the Japanese are the majority there are well known competitors from many countries including Mongolia, Hungary, Argentina, and the U.S. Actually, when I was there I think the reigning champion was from Hawaii.

I thought I would try my hand in the ring and for only a 100 yen coin I was pitted against this mighty contender of very few words. Our battle raged on for nearly a minute until I emerged victorious. As a sign of good sportsmanship I invited my defeated contender to sit with me for a bowl of ramen and discuss such things as men discuss when they have just broken from the entangled sweaty hug they like to call wrestling. He was inconsolable however. He said nothing and merely looked straight ahead... into the distance - seemingly contemplating the Dance Dance Revolution game at the end of the arcade. I left him with a few words of comfort and bid him sayounara.

Eventually, to immortalize my sojourn into the world of sumo I carved out another hanga. I have not yet mentioned that I do not do my own calligraphy. This is an art that is best started at a young age and I leave it to my girlfriend to handle - which explains the two signatures. Also, I haven't mentioned that for me hanga is the only physical art (I'm excluding poetry and prose) that comes directly from the mind and is not based on any physical image in the real world. My oils, water colors, and kiri-e (with a very few exceptions) use nature, architecture, and people as direct models whereas my hanga are just imagined scenes.

Hanga of Musashi

2006-12-26T22:57:00.000-05:00

Most in the west are familiar with what are usually called Japanese wood block prints as they were popularized in the late 19th century - particularly by post-impressionists such as Van Gogh and Gauguin. The Japanese name for these multicolored prints "Ukiyo-e" (meaning Floating World pictures) however does not encompass another well known art in Japan known as hanga. Though a respected style of art in Japan, hanga is virtually unknown in the west. Hanga follows the same basic principles of ukiyo-e in that it too is a wood block print but whereas ukiyo-e are produced by making a separate wood carving for each color used, hanga only use one color - almost exclusively black ink. For a brief history on ukiyo-e you can check out www.ukiyoe-reproductions.com/html/history.html Or just look below to see one of the most well-known ukiyo-e made by the master Hokusai.

As with any of the other media I use, I self taught myself how to make hanga. Basically all you need is a flush piece of wood, chiseling tools, ink, and paper. Hanga as compared to ukiyo-e is certainly supposed to be less refined and as many Japanese would attest, it is this very aspect which lends it its aesthetic appeal. Above is my first attempt at hanga. For the subject matter I chose the famed dual between two of Japan's most highly revered samurai: Miyamoto Musashi and Soseki Kojiro. Musashi by Eiji Yoshikawa is an excellent novel telling of the famed samurai that well captures the balance of war and peace, aggression and spirituality that define the samurai spirit.

Western Wall

2006-12-14T20:35:00.000-05:00

I did this kiri-e soon after coming home from a trip to the Middle East. It's the first time I worked with shade. Since there is no grey in black or white, the "illusion" of grey is achieved by carving little tiny holes into a black space. With so much white in this one, it is very difficult to handle and can rip easily.

Salmon Wier, Galway, Ireland

2006-12-14T20:29:00.000-05:00

This kiri-e was basically done from memory of my university days at UCG (University College Galway) in western Ireland. I did use a some help from people's photos on the internet. The one thing I hear when people see this is, "Man, that's a big fish!" Perhaps perspective is a bit off.

Bologna as seen from the sky

2006-12-14T20:19:00.000-05:00

This is a kiri-e of an aerial view of Bologna, based on a photograph from an old book of Bologna. On the top is what the work looks like in the process of cutting it, while on the bottom is the completed kiri-e. A little about the subject matter: in the center are the "Due Torre" - Garisenda (the shorter) and Asinelli (the taller). I have heard that Asinelli was once the tallest building in the world.

Kiri-e... what is it?

2006-12-14T20:05:00.000-05:00

Kiri-e is an oriental art (I'd like to say Japanese because that is where I was first exposed to it but I have seen it elsewhere, particularly in China) made from cut paper. What does that mean? Well, you have a normal piece of paper, (let's say black since that is what I usually work with) and you apply a sharp blade to it to cut out a shape. Now, imagine doing that on a much more detailed level, hundreds or even thousands of times, to follow a pattern or a picture that you have either imagined (for the simpler ones) or drawn directly on the black paper. After that is complete (for the more complex ones it takes between 200 and 300 hours of concentrated labor) you place it against a white background and place it in a frame so that it stays pressed firmly against the white to maximize the contrast of black and white and to help sharpen the detail. The actual size paper on which I usually work is 10 1/2 by 14 inches or 27 by 36 centimeters.

Lunch during the harvest

2006-12-14T19:43:00.000-05:00

This was the first "real" kiri-e I did. I say "real" because my attempt before this was made with a box cutter and it was of an all too difficult subject for a beginner (Piazza Navona in Rome). I had no idea what I was doing but I learned a lot in the process. With this one I finally got the right tools and it all seemed to fall into place easily. I based the image on a black and white photograph in an old picture book about Bologna. I drew the image first in pencil on this side, cut away the black paper and then I used the reverse image to display because it is neater than the side that is worked on.